his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
