I am puke
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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