he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
