At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
