And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
