A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses