I drank myself into bisexuality again.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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