What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
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We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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