Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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