I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
handjob tips. give me some.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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