just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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