Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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