i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
