Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
