My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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