I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
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LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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