She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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