I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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