here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
