Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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