He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
