i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
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you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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