i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
