By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
40s are totally the cure
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
