Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
