i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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