Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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