the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
