i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
