So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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