I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
