Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
