he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
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