Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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