dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
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They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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