another moral hangover. fuck.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
