I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
