it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
