So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
