Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
