Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
