woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
