I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
