I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
