The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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