Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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