Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
