Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
