Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
