my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
