I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
