so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
