Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
