At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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