i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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