Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
