I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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