She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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