So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize